9:15 p.m. - 2nd January 04
The day after NY day
Got to work at 08.00...phoned boy- S (mad) and S (I,I,I) there too, chatter mildly amusing but mad.
I asked boy if he was out last night and mad S said "why you asking him that you are living at his house?" Where the fuck did that come from? G and his missus apparantley....she was sooooon put straight...I was cross as G knows where I'm living ...twat.
Boy followed me at 09.15. I was the calmest I have ever been..almost serene.
Told him his behaviour NYE affected me, being ignored, which I felt was deliberate and then his going upstairs in groups at L&L's party had fucked my head up no end.
I spoke about how A's behviour affected me too...he said hers affected him, but had MAJOR problems accepting his would affect anyone-twat.
Did meter it out with +ves too..The capital, Chrimbo etc.
I spoke of how compromised I had felt, I also got other points across too, how his ignoring M was unfair, how socially now he never invites me out...always saying I wouldn't go - forgets G before Chrimbo.
Advised him of my intent to review my future by July and that ther was no way I would EVER jepordise my future by protecting him and A.
In fairness told him about the text from the devil as I had left L&L's party and that I had been sorely tempted to go see him...mad as it was!!!
Told him I needed peace from problems.
In absolute fairness, he took it all, not for one second did he get angry, didn't stress, didn't walk away, said we'd meet for lunch-which we did and it was game on again, bizarre and confusing.
Told I,I, I about what I had done as I was anxious as hell...she was sooo supportive. Told boy and I,I,I about Ads txt, "Don't get any strange blokes or I'll get jealous"-Yeuch
Started to wobble as the afternoon went on I,I,I was brilliant.
A off sick...she needs telling too...and she will be.
After boy left work I txt him "Oi...ta for listening, taking it on the chin and not stropping, stressing or walking away...love to give you B hugs but you don't anymore" Txt I,I,I too to say thanks. She phoned whilst I was out shopping and was sweet.
Boy text, made my heart flip...Bhugs still available...speak soon.
I'm worried...my heart should not flip, I'm misreading this all.
Txt back saying who for??
He was baffled-there was a couple of hours in between..but we got there in the end.
Went to M&E for dinner, saw the kids too, such a warm welcoming family.
I don't know about the boy...you see it's so confusing for me-is there anything or not-who knows? I'm petrified of being hurt, but why am I? If there were no feelings why would I worry about it and why would he?????
Logically it's so wrong, wrong as wrong can be. He's too young, unable to sustain a relationship, emotionally blunted, lacks responsiblity, history of casual affairs.
BUT over the summer has grown up SOOOOO much, warm affable, funny, outgoing, confident at work and most of all safe.
Since THE HUG, when my head went bang, it's all got so scary for me.
Gyming it, eating properly, drinking less.
We spend so much time together, he now comes in early, I always have, we both stay after work.
Chrimbo day we were together from 08.00-13,00 Boxing Day give or take an hour.
P spoke to me NYE-he was drunk- the boy thinks the world of you, he really does you know..I said yeah, we've just worked together a long time and I can manage him. P insisted it's more...he ADORES you...yeah whatever. It's so bloody fucking confusing.
P went onto say about the times I've stopped over with them and how nice it was I sent thank you cards...and then back to the boy and I spending nights together (fully clothed I may add). I'm sooooooo confused and only here will I admit I play a part I think. The three really bad evenings I've had, I know I contribute to, or at least I'm fairly certain I do...if I'm brutally honest, it aint purposeful, it's fear. The RP night, The S(27th) night and NYE. I know I decline to make any eye contact what so ever. The RP night, my illness, I'd been to hospital, Ads being so close to me as he does get jealous in a mad sort of way, he doesn't want me but then nobody else can either, it makes me scared- I was tired, internally angry, also a big crowd, I totally worry about other people picking things up, not safe people, but unsafe people. 27th, felt intrusive, I was totally angry with A for going there, OK, we went to S but there were loads and loads of work people there, unsafe people. NYE I was stressed by A's behaviour, then the boy too...obviously not SAFE that night, I couldn't talk or look at him. In fairness, he did grab my arm and try and talk, but I walked past. That's it, written down- I know, we connect when there is eye contact, but that is soooooo scary these days for me. Still he's horny at the moment, NYE proved that, P stopped it in the pub and M's sr, stopped it at the party. Me, I'm head fucked, the night he came back from the big A, S and A were there..and I KNOW neither of us could drag our eyes off each other, even when we were spoken to by the others. Yesterday lunchtime was the same. We are both fighting hard, I recognise it, but don't think he does. It was OK when only a couple of people saw it, but now others seem to be wondering. I love it and hate it, am petrified of losing it, but cannot bare it.
