10:48 a.m. - 31st October 03
Demons coming out
I was amazed that evening by your animation, I was frightened and thrilled by the depth of on show emotion...other people were watching us. I knew that did you?
Then it went and the shutter came down, after forty of the most thrilling, scary , intense minutes I in my 43rd year have ever experienced. It became cold in the car on the way home, no touch, you got out and slammed the door, walking away..
I still had A to take home, she talked and talked, wish I had a tape of it, to play you. A psychoanalitical view point V our straight behaviourlism.
Her view point, the box was there on the table..marked explosive, neither of us wanting to open it. You thrusting and attacking me, with passion, me trying to calm you , but still being there for you...you bearing every emotion you own, but not understanding them, me desperate to cuddle you, but frightened of losing you so much...We both knew that night that you had stepped over what was a friendship you loved me in a different way to the way you have ever shown love to anybody in your life....me what did I feel????Or doesn't that matter to you?? I felt so loved cared about and protected, the word I frequently use to you, I felt so safe...nobody in the world could ever harm me again on any level, emotionally, spirituly, physically...I felt adored. You know I would be able to handle your demons, you know I suspect what the demons are, why do we both do this job??? Anybody in this line of work has their own issues..only you have never spoken about yours to anyone have you...never even acknowledged them to yourself until that night?
It didn't stop there though did it? At work and socially, you were always there, eyes like saucers, challenging me, then came the day before the bad day, we spent seven and half hours of works time as well as three hours of our own time after work talking and challenging...intimate without doing anything You agreed that you would write about the demons and that on Tuesday, 28th October you would show me in a letter what the demons were about...I was terrified, privlidged, in love, wanting to comfort you so much.
That night out wasn't the best. A had had a huge row row with G, she was all over the place, she bought S & R out too, Ads, was after my attention, we hardly talked, we needed to, but no opportunity to.
