10:10 a.m. - 31st October 03
Pre demons
Starting to sort things out in my head...for now..thanks Ann!! You don't know how fucked up my head is do you?? Why? 'Cause again I haven't told you in clear terms, I did tell you last Friday in clear terms (according to you, cold psychopathic, pre planned terms) that I was no longer your friend. My reason was that I was out of control with anger and so much hurt and inside, I was falling to bits, so although externally, I may have appeared in control, I wasn't...funny isn't it...especially when I said I wasn't like that inside, and you said well I can't see inside can I??? We both laughed at that..God knows why, it's not even funny. Nerves are a terrible thing.
What else has been happening then ...you are on a complete shag fest, or your were. The second of your most destructive behaviours...you have been a serial monogomist for so long (at least four years), which has been so much healthier for you than this...which is what you used to do. Shagging three or four different women...one after the other, not finishing one and starting another, but behaving like an unpaid prostitute, passivity ( don't know how I got into this mess, can't see a way out despite hating yourself for it - Catholic guilt AGAIN) is your big down fall. This time I am not listening to your crap, or even if it gets too much, looking at your tears.
But the biggy, the thing that is the huge problem, are the demons...that mood when you want to assault the biggest person around, for no reason. It is so frightening for you and me, we fell out one weekend cause of it you stalked a man around a night club (admittedly you went home, this time without doing anything-a little more sophisticated than the past)...You couldn't identify the emotion behind it...I got cross and told you of how THAT affects not just you, but me and everyone around you. You welled up so much, told me I didn't want to know what went on in your head at those times...I told you I did want to know, you told me it was too terrible...I told you you didn't have to tell me, but that you couldn't say I didn't want to know....That night and the other nights out that week were so filled with tension....not my words. Ann who is into psychodynamic treatment spoke to me about that one night, which we both know about.
That particular Wednesday night, N, J, M were there for the early part of the evening as well as myself and A...you know you know the night.
That night which was not that long ago, the tension was unbearable, we were seated so we couldn't talk, not that we chose that it just happened that way....N & A were demanding so much attention, we couldn't talk. At 10.30, there were just A, you and I left...you started the game...putting the challenge down ...you wanted attention like you have never wanted it so much...eyes like saucers..talking about me not wanting to know about the demons, tears in your eyes, you have carried the demons for over 30 years, nobody knows what the demons are. It was getting more and more challenging and heated, A spoke we both ignored her, she went to the loo three times in half an hour, I've found out why...have you? Or is it that deep down inside you know?
