12:05 p.m. - 23rd November 03
Oi, what the heck are we going???Tarots
Decided not to go out last night, tooo tired, very very stressy...as was A. Had my angel cards read by A, she's lost her tarots unfortunatley.
You text all day nipping, irritable, angry then blamed me for every aspect of life and then when I did respond you stopped texting...honey grow up.
Had a dossy evening, did not a lot...listened to Dido...had a call from the solicitor to say the papers for this house to be sold are ready for signing...must get there tomorrow.
Have cleaned and tidied...gonna get dressed and do my ironing in a bit, I've been lazy...partly 'cause stress is killing me slowly...although I'm allowing it to, and partly 'cause there doesn't seem a lot of point anymore. I was sooooo house proud, now I'm not, with the devil on a dirty campaign.
Still we are off for a tarot reading tonight myself A and M...it was spooky last time...I had goose bumps, told me all about the devil having an affair...never met the woman in my life before and I'd only just found out about the affair myself, told me all about it being someone he'd seen before and it all turned out that after S he went back to K and that was unbelievably scary as fuck....see what tonight brings.
I need to get rid of my obsession about you...you have always had a thing for me, but I've always seen you as my baby bro until that one hug, that made me feel loved, the entire intensity of things changed then...for me..that was 4th October, it's doing my head in the 10th 11th 12th were fantastic days and nights and the subsequent two weeks at work were soo sexy, then I stopped going out 'cause of A being off sick, there was the Fri you let me down and I lost the plot, a week of no contact, things getting soo intense again, then J now what??? Spoke to S yesterday...told her about Friday, told her about how it all was.
Consider this, me the none interpretor of things, strictest behaviorlist in the world, listening and agreeing to peoples' interpretations of behaviour, that's why my head is getting messy...'cause I want it to be true I suppose, I want you to love me loads if the truth be known. You make me laugh you make me cry inside. The twice you have seen me cry, you suddenly understand how fucked up my head is.
I don't understand anything, all I know is you are now with J, you see her once a week (although last week you saw her Fri too...despite inviting me out with you and Ads and then ignoring me...is that why you did it? so I could see you with J)? Perhaps you are loved up, but everyone is saying how unhappy you seem, how you are drinking+++++ and how you ain't going gym etc.
I spoke to you in the week about what's wrong, you said work, but then couldn't say what about work, you said home,as in your birth place, but then didn't want to go home, you said your mate Mi, but what have you done about it???
You ain't seeing her often at all, once a week, is that really your choice?? Or hers?? is that what is going your head in? You ain't seeing her enough? A is baffled, she goes on about other relationships where you are obsessed and touchy feely and snoggy. With this one, A has seen you twice and it's only been at the end of the night that you have got touchy feely i.e. When you are drunk.
S, was laughing about you and your behaviour on Fri, she thinks you are mad, she thinks you were mortified seeing me out and angry with me??? For not giving in to your charms, therefore were trying to get a reaction from me...S is good at relationships. You didn't get one though did you? Well why not, 'cause you didn't behave normally toward me, no warmth no nowt. S reckons me being with Ads would bother you, but it never has before. Why was she out anyway, it was a works do? A, forced you to introduce her, you didn't want to but A, being A, forced herself upon you. She said to A, "oh are you just another work colleague"? A, felt demeened as you said "yes". A always counted herself as a friend!!!
Just bin speaking to my Sis - in- Law, they are hoping to move 5th Dec, gonna try and book the day off work if I can.
I want to try and move 12th Dec, although who knows ...that could be really pushing it, but we can but hope and pray. You won't be here your off to the big Apple. Last week you said you'd cancel it if I was moving, AHHH I said don't be so bloody daft, we'll sort it, me Ads, the family and one or two others.
Your texts, yesterday were horrid, why? You made me as angry as you seemed to be, my first couple of responses were light hearted, but they then stopped being so light hearted and I just got mad...Why special friend are we both behaving like nutty people?? 'Cause neither of us are sane at the moment. You didn't go home with your bird that night did you???
You got pissed and blamed me...thanks sweetie.
