8:53 a.m. - 31st October 03
-Talking to sulky boy
Day off work today, feeling stressed and out of control again. Why is it some days are so good and others so bloody awful???
One would think that in my line of work I could sort myself out. Looks like I'm gonna have to face up to the fact that I am depressed (scary thought for me...given my cup is normally half full not half empty).What to do about it? I need to go for a bit of CBT don't I...but that's so hard for me to admit to...do I need to go to the GP too? I hate GP's. The last twice I've been have been horrid. Womb cancer leading to a hysterectomy and shit loads of after care. More recently after what he did to me, an STD, that he had caught elsewhere.
How have I got into this position? Never ever in my life have I been in an abusive relationship. It's been so incidious. I feel so daft for having got into this position, how didn't I see the warning signs? Head up my own arse or something??? Especially given my job, working with victims of abuse...so stupid. I sat in the GP's feeling her thought processess ticking away..What! You do this for a living and look at your own self!!!!
Hang on here downward spiral commencing definitely need a bit of cognitive restructuring girlfriend.
As for you my best friend of nine years, you who have always run to me in tradgedy, and for one so young you have had some, why when I need a safe hug do you run a mile?? We spoke of why we couldn't get together...I know that hurt, BUT that was 6th October the last time and for the next two weeks we had far more fun,even last week was intensley fun...UNTIL YOU LET ME DOWN. Admittedly I got the most angry I have ever been, but friends do that sweetie...I have apologised by text and letter, but you have avoided me so much...not a single call, or acknowledgment of my existence.
Repurchased Men are from Mars and read it cover to cover last weekend. Reminded myself of caves and elastic bands, but really is an elastic band or a cave, really a whole week???
The thing I wrote for you sulky boy, which took me all last weekend, no response. It DID explain where we are at, how you make me parent, you are a baby and if I shift that you play up so I save you....because you are afraid of supporting me and I am afraid of feeling vulnerable. You know that is true, this time your behaviour will not make me save you, even though I miss you dreadfully....
