8:54 a.m. - 1st November 03
My dearest friend
Slept a little better last night, postman woke me at 7am though, with a parcel for the devil, more stuff for that girl I suppose, but at least the devil stayed out last night!!!
Well, I'm a bit tired, which is better than being Miss stress head, A, lives like Mrs stress head, always obsessing about something, I only obsess when I don't understand and can't make sense of something...I need so badly to understand why? How? When? Read books, articles to try and make sense of the world/people. Read, read, read....whilst A, obsesses.
We are different, but get on so well. She is my closest female friend in the world. I can tell and have told her anything and everything, there are no secrets between us. Externally we are so different, she is short and dumpy, size 16 and 5'2". Me 5'8" and size 12. People see A, as outgoing confident and one of the lads, they see me as quiet, a listener not a talker, reserved, a bit cold at times. A and I are different, but we learn from each other, I'm learning to be a little more outgoing, although 'cause of my job, have to be careful whose company I do this in. I read a lot to heal, to understand why I have made the decsions I have made. A listens to me telling her what I've read and analys it....she is fluffy I'm behavioural. We both lack confidence, but A is far better at compensating/overcompensating for hers, where I freeze like a rabbit at times socially!
A had an alcohol problem for 6 years, but now hasn't drunk for 8, she still blames a lot of her problems on this time, I believe you have to accept that was then and work on the here and now. Strange pair we are aren't we? So different and so much in common. A is into horoscopes, psychics, tarots, and crystals. I'm into reading books to analyse behaviour and that we are all responsible for our own!! We are so funny together really a proper odd couple. When out, people won't tell dirty jokes to me, as they percieve I get offended, but they tell Ann them all and she roles about laughing. On the way home she worries they don't respect her and wishes she was more like me....I wish they would see behind my job and treat me equally...bizarre.
This is another difference that we have talked about, but this is a hard one...about three weeks ago A came to pick me up for an exciting Sat night. (Normally I drive, as my car is newer, but as A's had a courtesy car she wanted to drive, which meant I could have a couple of drinks only three glasses of wine and I'm drunk, so I don't drink till late!!). I had dropped a size, unintentionally, busy week at work so had on my one pair of size 10 trousers and a pretty (for me who is usually plain) pink top, that really suits my colouring. A had encouraged me to wear it, as she thinks I look good in it... I wasn't sure as I hate to appear sexually attractive,(given recent events with the devil, can't cope with that at the moment) I like just to have fun. I have a rather large chest, which I am at various times, proud/conscious of.
When A came in, she was going on and on about me looking beautiful and that it wasn't fair all the blokes were after me and she wanted them. I became distraught by this, I felt cross with A. Given the devils recent behaviour, that is the very last thing in the world I wanted (she knows this) and I don't want her to just want shallow relationships with men (three broken marriages). We talked and talked, I wasn't going to go out that night, but our other friends were texting us, so I put on the biggest most unflattering zip up cardi I own.
A was very worked up, as she and G had had a huge row the previous week and he was being cold, A was overcompensating and obsessing and dreading the evening in a way, but needed to see him, I didn't want her to be hurt by the self-centred pig, so wanted her to calm down...all very strange!!!
Got to the pub, both very, very tense...I could have cried and felt so uncomfortable...didn't speak to M or D, who kept wondering what was wrong.(Too scared to speak, as got caught up in poor A's feelings, that if blokes spoke to us they only wanted one thing, she is desperate for male attention at this time, I only want my friends...so it was confusing for us at the begining!!) The pub was packed and lots of people were very drunk...football meant they had started early.
We finally got our normal seats, didn't feel as good as usual as people kept coming over and there was definate tensions in the air between everyone, it was very loud and we were very sober, it felt like everyone was on speed and the TV was turned up far too loud.
We finally moved to our favourite mellow night club, calm decended. D,M,M,A,G (who was so drunk he was incoherent) and myself. Everyone else knows about G & A and the others feel he treats her poorly (A the rescuer of lost causes) so myself and M were dancing round and having a laugh with her, to help her over come the anxiety. He in a way was excluded from our tight knit little group, as that's what A wanted.
The night relaxed so much, I even had a glass or two of wine and a safe hug from a lovely friend
A and I have spoken about this and we are so different, but the good thing is we really understand and empathise with each others needs...strange as we both are!!!
MB says, I'm like a bloke, too controlled, calm and not fluffy at all. He says I even drive like a bloke, little fear and able to reverse park!!!
He says A is chaotic mad and one of the lads, he always texts her wherever he is in the world, such a sweet boy.
