12:09 p.m. - 2nd November 03
Emotional Intelligence..I'll get some!
So, what about you my best friend? N came over to speak to me in the restaurant, my favorite brother, none emotive, not into the caring profession at all, so in love with J and just such a nice person.
I was telling how the new part to my job is hard work, but thrilling too, but that in addition I've been given an obscure project to lead and with the devil still being here, it's been a tough couple of weeks...I din't tell him about how the devil, aginst my will gave me an STD, but did say how stupid I feel (judgements!!!) for being in an abusive relationship, at this age. HE was comforting in his none response to that.
I spoke about you and how although we have always been friends, how much more intense things are over the last 6 months,and how we spoke a few weeks ago, well I phoned you at work on that Sunday, after you told A, you did have those sort of thouhgts about me "cause I'm a bloke aren't I?"...but that it would ruin, what is a very special friendship.
Don't know why I told N about you, he knows you, as does J, they met you when the devil and I moved here, as the devil was busy the morning we moved and as ever, you and Ads were there to help me.
So back to that Sunday. On Saturday night, myself and A had gone out quite late, it was the night that G was very drunk and there had been football on TV...we went to our nightclub..you, me, A, M and M ...G turned up later.
I was really happy you and M had come, you are so much fun and it was so relaxed....you weren't going to come as you had work the next day, but I said "your loss" and you then came...you said for exactly one hour.....Back to the word you make me feel...SAFE
That evening there was so much tension, A & I danced with Mi, Ma was doing his usual and looking for girls, you and I were bickering about who knows what? As A was driving, I agreed to have a glass of wine, it stops me being so inhibited..(always so bloody aware of people in relation to my job...but that night had THE safest group around me, couldn't make an ass of myself).
You and I bickered, cuddled, bickered, cuddled...Mi went, you still stayed...A and Ma wanted to go (I don't remember that) A and I have laughed so many times about that, as you and I were so into each other, nobody in the world could interupt our chatter....why people think you never speak, I don't understand.
Still, at about 2am we were just cuddling...problem is with me, three glasses of wine and I remember very little, but I do remember feeling safe and warm, I do remember you kissing the top of my head...Ma was lying on the floor in the club..asleep.
We were the last to leave, you sat in the front of A's car, but reached behind we held hands all the way home to yours.
So on Sunday, after that, I phoned you at work we spoke,...but we didn't say much despite the two hours we spent on the phone.
The only thing we acknowledged was we were closer than two years ago and we were both afraid....N understood this, but cannot understand why, for the last two weeks we have kicked so hard against each other...me, more so than you in fairness....why am I trying to push you away???
N thinks we need to talk, but we don't, even when we get the chance...we keep safe from conversation...but it's murder.
N thinks we would be good together ...I think we should be friends for a lot longer...I am vulnerable so are you, but the one thing I can't bear to think of is you not being around, you make me safe, you stop people who are scary (except the devil....cause you would kill him, if I let you...he's not worth going to prison for!!) getting too clse to me, you know I am afraid of men coming on to me, with you around, they never do.
What will work be like tomorrow, I hope I sleep well tonight, can't be tetchy and anxious, must read my book some more, psychology books, self-help books, always in a time of crisis read to understand I do. When you first had an affir, I found out a week after mom had died, a year of Relate ensued, this time there is no going back devil, my life is moving forward, ...I will get to have some Emotional Intelligence, as this book understands me!!!Or is it I can relate to it???
