7:34 p.m. - 3rd November 03
The first day back together
Just got in from work and viewing houses, the house I wanted to buy fell through...luck is not on my side at the moment!! Still if it was meant to be it would have been, as well meaning people keep telling me.
What sort of day was it??? Crap really, overworked and underpaid.
Saw you first thing, but hundreds of others were clamering for your attention, so I skulked away...too embarassed about last weeks unspoken a fit of my rage, to even hang about, everything feels wrong, particularly the unspoken.
You didn't turn up for lunch either. This evening you were there, but so was S, she knows the score but still hung around, as you so rightly said, off loading her shit. Not a jot of eye contact was made by me to you, feel angry, hurt, ashamed and let down, how could you my very special friend let me down last week??? Why avoid me for a week?? S went, just as the other S arrived, by then I was so tense, desperate to speak, but paralysed by fear as to saying the wrong thing...I've totally reverted to my mouse status of years ago, so regressed it's not true.
S went, you sort of made conversation for 5 minutes, but by this stage I couldn't be faffed, so many things I wanted to say, just couldn't...what's the point now...I feel devastated that after one explosive outburst from me, you didn't contact.
I spent a whole week really with the devil...the devil is hear tonight again, big, superior looking thing that you now are devil man.
Went to A's after work, looked at a couple of houses, no good, try again tomorrow.
You asked me if I'd spoken to Ads, why???'Cause you know I do...Yes I've spoken to Ads, I saw him briefly, he was worried, Soz darling, too much weight loss (will eat dinner tonight even though I'm not hungry), poor eye contact. I know I'm depressed...up at 4am today, feel shattered tonight...get more anxious when I'm tired...never had depression before, then I've never been raped before have I?...Cying out for help from you, my friend of 9 years, for just one big and very very safe cuddle,except you can't cope either. I've always been the strong one, haven't I? The solver of problems, but now our long standing friendship is over, which is traumatic for me tonight....here at home with the devil himself.
He (the devil) will not do it again, I have told him I will call the police, but it isn't too great in this atmosphere...hoped he would be out, with some fancy strumpet...he has choices, he's from this town, I have few...none of my friends have spare rooms, my cash is being used on odd nights in hotels...can't keep doing that can I...still it will come to an end.
Tomorrow, I will book a GP appointment, I will ask for help appropriatley....I will get over this, but to get over it, I need to face it first and that I have done.....
