5:16 p.m. - 30th November 03
A night at JJ's with you
Well it's after 5pm, only been out of bed an hour. What the hell has happened??? Too much alcohol I know that. Yesterday A picked me up to fetch my car. When she got here the devil was also here. She stayed for a cuppa, during the course of the conversation the devil said he could be in the same pub as me, without trouble. He was then very threatening about my best friend and Ads, really quite frightening as far as I am concerned.
We were out in the usual place and the devil turned up with Des, even A said it was the most childish behaviour in the world. I text you, you said you were on your way. You turned up with Mi and S and watched boxing. A went over and ribbed the devil I walked past the devil to go to the loo, Des for the first time in 10 years spoke...twat.
You said when the devil was leaving, he didn't speak to you at all.
You came over and sat with us, you seemed very tense. Myself A, Mel and JJ were out. It was fun. Mi was pissed and chatted up Me, ....they didn't go to the club, they left...hope everything is OK there.
I had a go at Ma, for what he said last night...he did apologise, think his mind had been altered from what people say.
A lady from work was stalking Ma, God knows what these bloody women see in him.
We went to our usual place, you my friend were as tense as possible, all distracted and irritable. Finally admitted you were worried about work, as you were very tired, A BLESS HER...agreed to work for you and immediatley you relaxed.
I got a huge hug and kiss on my head, you told me you loved me as a friend and work colleague, that will do for now!!!
The evening was fabulous UNTIL the very very end, you went to dance and some girl cottoned on to you. Couldn't get you to leave so we went back to your sisters, you then turned up with your future brother in law. But the girl kept texting you. At about 3.30 A said she was going as she had work, as did JJ, both you and your sister said stop, I had my boots on and was ready to go....in a complete dilema.
A, said she wouldn't take me home so I stayed. Bizarre, too much drink I think. We were talking for a while, till your bruv in law to be went to bed. You were sleeping on the sofa, and I got beside you. at one stage you threw me on the floor, but then when I said I was getting a cab home, you held onto me tight. We spoke about the devil and what he had said, we spoke about your demons and I wiped your tears away. We spoke about fighting, art and all manner of things, then we hugged and hugged and hugged.
I know you won't remember, there are large parts I can't remember. I don't normally drink to excess and only occasionally, but this is my last party weekend for a while. We didn't do anything wrong, we both just held on, although for me the fact your breathing was so deep and you were so affectionate, one tiny kiss. Nothing wrong, both fully clothed. I woke at 7am, phoned A who, had at my request sent me a cab no, she went to work, I got a cab home. It's expensive living out of town. I drank the two poured glasses of coke at your sisters, unfortunatley, they I think, were vodka filled, hence I slept all day.
Scared of seeing you now, don't know how to be, or what to say to you. That lady from the club, was very into you - and you were very interested in her too- and A told me that lovely sweet little O is too
Dreading seeing you, too much love for you now, don't ever ever want to lose what we have and if we did do anything.... I know we would. When you get with other women, you get a little crazy and cut me out, why can't we talk to each other, why can't we just be????
Your arms, make me feel so safe... your personality makes me so comforted, what the hell have we done?? Oh God, please let the whole thing be alright, please God just help me out here, I don't know what to do. Is it rebound? The devil and I have been over properly since 31/3/03 when I found out about Sophie, we then were on and off through April and early May. But since June, we haven't had anything to do with each other. Does that mean it's rebound??
You and I have been friends for 9 whole years come January. Really close friends, everybody comments on our relationship ALL the time, even your wife hated us been friends, that was a short lived marriage, I knew you didn't want to marry her, but she didn't...despite me begging you to tell her.
I would love a relationship with you, but your history with women is appalling....You said something strange last night...I am the only women in the world who can control you. I remember in the summer we were talking about ideal partners and I said, monogomous, someone I could trust and who loved me for being me. You said, someone who was your friend, who controls you without you relaising it etc etc etc. There was a huge silence and everyone was looking at me. It was so embarassing...you know you said that as then Mi commented on the fact you described me.
Last night at your sisters was the most fantastic night I have spent. Warm in your arms, safe from the devil, innane conversations fully clothed. Doubt we will be close again for a while...both be too frightened. The last time was exactly 7 weeks ago, how do I remember??? It was your weekend at work again. 11th 12th October weekend. We even spoke about how close we were becoming again and how we were both so fucking scared.
You will start seeing somone again soon, my head will go mad, but work will be OK, always work will be OK.
Last night was wonderful, I know it was drink filled, but then we are both less inhibited toward each other then, everyone knows we are close...but particularly Mi, A, S, even little Ma. People at work lagh about our relationship, thinking we are mad, I think we are too.
We need to talk, you need to get a woman, PLEASE keep me safe sweetie, I'm trying hard to..thanks for touching my heart.
