10:41 p.m. - 20th December 03
Argh...drink
Felt ill, hospital appt re my illness, works Chrimbo lunch, A threatening to tell boy about me being ill...me not wanting him to know, need one stable person in my life to treat me normally.
Left work early (unheard of for me)...needed sleep unable to, bought wine...what the fuck am I doing buying wine in the afternoon? Drank wine text boy...cool response lost the plot...God I sound so fucking Borderline!!! Perhaps I am?
Tried to sleep...too noisy. A came..went nuts about me drinking in the day (red wine...I could understand...quite unhealthy for me). Felt VERY VERY guilty drank botttle two, dyed A's hair it went orange ooooops.
Took her dad to C, she was driving...I was wankered..went to pub nobody would by me pop, so I drank MORE wine...no boy, felt stressed A says I was a bitch to boy sent nasty txts he arrived we were leaving...we stayed still no pop!!!
Knew I needed pop, tired, ratty, drunk, and emotive ARGH...bad combo for me.
Got into silly games wanted to have a row...fuck off boy it feels better and safer I hate the emotion. Feel guilty, ashamed and toatally confused, scared of loving someone, scared by the intensity of it all. Also scared of not loving someone...it's madder than mad McMad!!!
According to A I lost it, I really, really didn't mean to, I really didn't mean to do anything to you...I don't remember what happened, but know you didn't say goodnight.....and that is scary.
What the fuck am I doing destroying something so precious as this frindship??? It does mean so much to me and my mixed messages and madness confuse me...it is just so not me at all.
