2:23 p.m. - 9-21st August 04
J's scare, their row, my row..Argh
9th Went to work....feeling very silly 'cause of those txts, felt dead, dead, dead embarassed. Not mentioned first thing...mentioned at lunch...said he didn't read 'em...I felt tons and tons better...until I picked J up on the way home...as he said....how did he know they were from me...as San had sent them on her phone and as her and Liz pointed out they both spoke to him too....Argh.
10th He and his sr had a bust up....he went SOOOOOO cold, unecessary and horrid, I hate it when he hacks people out...tried to talk he got cross I came home, no chatting, no laughing...just walked away.
11th Tried again to talk, he wouldn't, got angry with me, going on about he can't be fucked with relationships, women, I block going out socially...no I don't....saw his sis, she said he's ignoring her socially too...left early cannot be fucked....life is just toooooooo short for shit.
12th ...boy in late, foul mood. Saw S ...she is devastated as her bruv has died..she is like I have never seen her before in my life..they are away tomorrow for two weeks, took Flossie her birthday card.
Friday 13th A back from her hols, spoke to S who is devastated...her old man has said he might not go back to NI with her, went to visit her, tears everwhere...Why is life so tough? A giving out about me to S why are people so horrid to each other?
14th...S in a state, she told A she could have her furniture when she went to NI, A turned up with a van, with NM and S didn't have the courage to say no, now no settee or chairs, her hb gone ballistic...NI S's leaving do tonight...I aint going. Spent the afternoon helping her pack, poor cow...Packing up to move away not knowing if when you get there, whether your hb will come, it's what he wanted too.
15th Helped NI, S pack some more, packing up life into boxes...I just don't want her to go...she validates my emotions, so much...how selfish am I?
16th Flossies b'day...she's away. At work A completely and utterly lost it with boy, over trivia. It was awful, she is soooooooo angry towards him.
Met up with N, to work out his finances, his mortgage has come through...it's a bloody big mortgage, I'd be worried if it was me.
Whilst doing this the devil phoned him twice, back to trying to get in again, why can't the devil go away...it stresses me to death..he tried to get in with J&S at the weekend
17th The devil phoned N again...talking about work stuff...he is a fecking blasted big bloody spot on my backside....GO FUCKING AWAY. Out with NI S and N for food and a drink. Met with boy at 9.30 too.NI S told boy about A and what's been said...boy lovely...N left early, D phoning and texting him +++. We all stayed in my favourite cosy little pub till 12.30 chatting and laughing. We staggered up the road, I got my safe squishy hug bless him.
18th Just a day, spoke with Ads, he has three birds on the go, it'll end in tears and they won't be his! Some days I wish I could fall in love with Ads, he is a sweetie to me, but that aint enough for me.
A came round, we were both prickly with each other.
19th...boy wonderful form, his sis awful. Spent hours talking to her, tried to get them to talk to each other...they are both so unforgiving as people. After he left, she burst into tears....it's not him, she was worried she was pregnant....took her to the chemist, against her will, got the kit, she ballsed it up...had to go get another one, she drank 3/4 bottle of wine...NOT pregnant...she was over the moon...dropped her off to see her beloved, quick change and picked boy up, spent an hour with J, talking about old times....dropped boy off at pub...not invited in so came home.
20th N&J coming...not on the best form....worried about health...tired, pain in shoulder bad, lump in neck growing...scared. They weren't happy, hadn't cooked, out to dinner, told J, big row ensued at home, I got drunk!! Cried lots, hate telling people, 'cause it's then about their stuff and how they feel, I can't manage my own stuff. NI S phoned me, when boy walked her home on Tuesday, he was drunk, she commented on our friendship...he said he was totally committed to me, it's what kept him at work....Ahhhhh. He tries hard.
Feeling shit about N&J, hate falling out with people, seem to be doing it loads and loads....have had the courage to phone up for counselling...meeting the bloke 2nd...Don't know if I want it, but feel the need for it...very, very very scared at the thought of it...but HATE feeling like this.
