11:59 a.m. - 25th June 2005
Rambling on about friends again
What a smelly weather day...it's all muggy and rainy and dull....welcome to the weekend!!!
I've a lazy head on, had a couple of glasses of wine at mommy S's...do regret it as I feel soooooooo much better without it. Still better than last year, I was drinking everyday and it's been a while now and it was in company, which is far better. Wasn't gonna have any at all, but we went to get dinner and then you know how it goes, she said let's have a drink as it's Friday and then we did. Oh well I wasn't spannered, just a couple of sociable drinks, which I suppose is normal...
I am getting fat.....size 12 I hate it...next week has to be a proper diet and gym week, I can't bear feeling this heavy....gonna stick to the GI diet religiously.
A has phoned me, wants to go out tonight, no that friendship is over for good for me...too much take and not enough give I'm afraid. Too much damage to the relationship, She's too involved with the devil and feeding him info, as well as constantlys seeking out stuff about cunt boy....she's managed to get involved with my works do, she doesn't work there, but is going...I'm not...bizarre she wants to be there.
Friendships are funny things.....I'm not good at them at all.....
I, S goes nuts, thinks people take total advantage of me, but doesn't see it coming anymore than I do....
Let's take J and N....last two months every weekend, come up, come up....suddenly nowt...I've been a good guest, taken wine, washed up, babysat, given their garden a complete and utter makeover...and it looks fantastic, driven her here there and everywhere...as she had no car, as her new one didn't arrive before she sold the old one.....her new car arrived last week.....and I've heard nowt. Was that it? Was I a taxi service?? As she lives in a village and can't get about at the weekends without the car?..Now she's out and about again and not a thought in this direction...aint complaining as such, just somewhat confused about it all.
Now Gal A....out 5 nights out of seven with her......when I was in his company, as well as M's, etc....then I wasn't always in his company....she put loads of pressure on me re him.....saying she was bored when we were with him, so if I went out with him without her....she then said I was leaving her out...he hated her so it all got too confusing for words...so I just stopped....now she doesn't bother to see me at all....neither does he!
His sis...asking me out +++ then nowt and moaning about me to others very, very two faced, then she see's me at work and acts like my best mate....she begged me to spend Chrimbo there etc...all too mad!
N, hmmm now that's a very very odd situation....friends for 12 years, helped him ++++ over the years....essays in his training, speaking on his behalf when he was arrested abroard, helped him keep his job ....phone calls morning noon and night when the D thing was happening, even when I was in Lanzarote last year......then totally cut out.
So what do I do wrong?
Cunt boy.....morning noon and night, wants company, then nowt!
Now I, S....A gal hated her, we used to meet up about once a month when she found out about me and the devil, but she in fairness has been really consistently lovely....considerate and thoughtful, had me over to the house one evening.....the evening/weekend I planned that life wasn't worth living! She/nobody new it was that weekend....the weekend turning point!...I hardly remember that weekend it is so confused in my head now.....don't know how I got through it.....remember driving to her house and having almost continual panic attacks, I hadn't eaten for a couple of days, thought I was having a heart attack!!!
I drove back and slept for about 14 hours....and then felt better....stopped the real destructive drinking, ate better, hence the weight gain! and here we are 6 1/2 months later,with a tedious, but more intact life than before.
Back to friends, R and her mom....nowt now...bizarre...but not to hurtful!! and probably better than before.
Other friends, NIS, getting less contact with her these days...suppose life moves on there, distance being the issue.
E is an odd fish too.....almost best friend at work....her seeking me out, but apart from that socially/weekends nowt.
M, well she was not around at all when me and he bust up......think her man is married, so she finds affairs etc painful!
So Mommy S......you are my best friend...we have reawakened a friendship, ...saw you all the time, till about 4 years ago, then I moved, saw you less, now well now, where would I be without you? Particualrly at weekends? You phone me after you have done your shopping, about 2ish.....I pop round, sausage rolls and cups of tea, mountains of washing up ...then French sticks and slad for tea....You are soo good putting up with me, thinking about me considering me, you and I S are true friends, not fair weather friends...there always.
Mommy S said to me last night how did I cope for the three or four years I hardly saw you?? I don't know I said...but I missed you soo much and I don't know how I coped without her....wish I hadn't allowed myself to become so distant, suppose I was trying to make my farce of a relationship work!
E is good too! bless her, in a different way though.....she's really kind to me at work.
Thinking of M, she used to be E's boss before me, she was quite harsh to E at times, think she's a highly anxious manager we are different.
New job soon, a huge big massive scary, lots to do sort of job...argh!!! D seems to think it'll be alright, but my new role will be absolutey huge.....and less support than now, D more than believes in me...but I'm in that head place that thinks, they'll catch me out and realise I actully haven't got a clue!!...Oh well
So what's the point of this entry?? I have no idea, cept I've been musing friendships, maybe in relation to who I leave things to. I'd want Mommy S to have loads, but wouldn't want her to give J any....she's tooooooo greedy, lazy and selfish rude and bullying. She was horrid to her mom yesterday...spoiled lazy gal.
I would want mommy S to finish the bits in the house she needs to, but she wouldn't, she'd fritter it away.
J and N, family....no...they had everything when mom died, most unfair about the whole situation and then when the old man died lots of stuff never got shared either.....the shares, the money in Jersey etc....they have a mansion of five bedrooms and a tiny mortgaage as they sold moms house and kept it all...so they have had what they need in my opinion.
Mommy S needs it ....but for what?
I think driving lessons for her and J and a car.
New floorboards on the landing....and a pergola.....a hol in Cyprus to see L and B...for the four little 'uns her and J....gal J can stay at home and sulk....
Bet she'd be cross if she knew I felt like that about J, but God that gal needs a smack, she needs to take herself, her daughter and move into a house of her own.....and be made to take resposibility for her own self, her partner and her daughter...she needs to have to get out of bed before lunchtime, to have to shop, cook, budget and take responsibility for her daughter.....but with S feeding her and paying she won't and she chucks her daughter at her partner all the time....when he's at work the little 'uns have to have her...so spoiled that J is.
