12:17 p.m. - 26th June 05
Don't re read your diary!!!
Well I slept for nearly 12 hours last night, what's that all about??? Shoulder a bit achy to say the least today!!
Just read my diary entries for the last couple of years.....my god how many highs and lows were there??
I really had a nasty time with the devil, it was as horrid as possible to be.... fear, rape, anxiety, humiliation and shame, anger and hatred. Just about 14 months of fear and hatred.
Socially, I got as close to love without sex as possible, months and hours, days and over a year of foreplay....sharing everything except the act itself...so much eye contact, touch, cuddles, thoughtfulness and caring....destroyed by our stupidity...our fear, we were both responsible. My fear was his history with women, timing was wrong, the glare of publicity at work too, other peoples needs/wants and just their general involvement...his age.
His fear, I didn't come on to him, I'm too old, it wouldn't be right as I'm his boss,etc...not wanting to lose the friendship...but we have anyway. PMSL
The devil has now moved on with his affair of 7 -8 years ago, living with his daughter no 2's mother....I am just single.
Most of the time, I prefer the single life, in fact I wonder where the time was for a bloke...so much to do and so little time to do it. Other times it would be lovely to have the big hugs...in fact I miss the being cared about, the texts the cuddles more than a person could begin to imagine!!!
I've reverted to my life as it was with the devil, I don't go out to meet new people and stick with going to see people at home only.
It's difficult to go out as such, my friends all have kids etc...and I'm not confident anymore....I wasn't very confident before I suppose.
I miss boy, the time of last summer and more the summer before.
Trying to look where it went wrong...who knows??? Now boy flirts with E.....and she with him....jobs are changing too, so contact could be less.
He did follow me endlessly the last week before his holiday, which is wearing....I don't for a minute understand why he does that...it wasn't my imagination, I'S commented too.
I miss feeling so close and cared about, to be be my age and to never, ever have experienced that is amazing....but I suppose to have never have had it in your entire life would have been even sadder. If you think about it though, whatever happens now when I die, people wil know. I'S and Mommy S will know for sure....A will know, but doesn't count....NIS knows for sure.
Others have suspected, Mi, Ma, G all suspected and even last week R said I don't know why you two don't date, you are made for each other, it's obvious...poor wise 73year old R, who in reality knows bog all, but makes that sort of comment...bless her. I just laughed and said don't be mad...but she really pushed it saying I was mad, and that we were made for each other, it's just that we couldn't see it. Thanks God, she was at home then, and so it wsn't open for further debate.
It is odd though, he still comes in early, follows me around, has lunch with me, goes to where I'll be at 4.30...he doesn't stop late anymore though, and I never offer him a lift ever now.
I don't follow him, I know I don't. I'm dead conscious not to, but he is still there, I find it difficcult when E is around and I never ask himm anything personal at all...I didn't wish him bonne anniversere or anything either, which feels positivley cruel.
But then that to me is too personal, it's business only I'm afraid...and I'm gonna be soo busy with the new job, there'll be no chance anymore.
He's leaving a specific meeting now and I then am joining it, so he won't be there...that's good as E goes to that meeting and I can't bare being there when they flirt with each other I feel jealous and uncomfortable and voyeristic I'm afraid
So how do you meet new peeps??? Who knows, it's something I'm gonna have to do, but then serendipity is plausable, so if it was meant to be I would!!! So perhaps it's just me repeating the pattern of being single that my mom did..
Anyway I need to hoover and polish, as M is coming later, to help sort this holiday out...Kefalonia for a week next month sounds OK. A bit of sun is what this old body needs!!
