5:48 p.m. - 21st October 05
My mom...BA
Well darling B A (my nickname for you). I can hardly believe it's been nine years today since you died. People say time heals. I've thought about that a lot today....don't think I'm healed mom...still miss you lots. I am accepting that you are no longer here, I miss you....but the raw and painful bits are no longer there in the way they were.
As for being "healed" it's a bizarre way of thinking about it. I don't cry and wail, but then I didn't at your funeral either, or in fact on the day you died. I felt hurt sick and frightened but didn't wail.
I really miss having a mom. If people have a positive relationship with another, when that person is no longer there, it's awful. But people older as well as younger than me, don't realise that.
What do I miss?? I miss the family home and have always felt sort of homeless since you died. Despite the fact I have my own home.
I miss your common sense approach to life, events and things the "it's no good crying over spilt milk" stuff and "have a good nights sleep and we'll talk tomorrow", when it was all so catastrophic....I miss you as my closest confidant. I felt so close to you (except when I started seeing the devil whom I know you didn't approve of...we had words, but you accepted my decision...sadly you weren't there to pick up the pieces....and I know you would have and you would NEVER have said "I told you"). I miss your humour and your assurances post hysterectomy that there was nowt wrong with my belly....and that for 5"9' size 12, didn't make me a fat elephant!
I miss the fact you said that my hair was always alright....and given how mad I used to be about my thick prone to frizz hair, you would buy me products and asssure me it was fine.
I miss cuddles and hugs and the fact you would spend hours on the phone getting us all tickets for gigs so that we had "good seats" at BIG GIGS.
I miss the fact that at 60+ you listened to Radio one and knew all the chart music going.
I loved the fact you loved us all and protected us from your own devil, you never critisised my dad and stopped us feeling sorry for ourselves when you divorced.
I miss you BA more than you can begin to imagine....I know you knew you were dying and you were so proud and practical about it all.....you talked quite sensibly about it and would have no tears ....shit happens approach.
I love the fact you took O levels at 50 to prove they could be done and that you learnt to knit using a knitting machine, made fantastic clothes.
I love the fact that you intuitvly guessed that J was pregnant just before you died and "warned" me, so I wouldn't be shocked or upset, knowing I couldn't have babies. On that day you were soooo drugged up and it was 6 days before you died, but you told me, don't be surprised if J tells you she is expecting...you were such a fantastic mom and had it tough really......
Divorced parents in the 1930's wasn't easy....only child...lots of responsibility, horrid hubby!!!
Mom, you'd be so proud, your grand kids are wonderful, your own kids are good too your youngest is doing soooo well in business, your middle child has just got wed and I aint doing tooooooo bad at work...although my love life is shite!!
The day you died was sooo sunny and cold, a proper autumn day. Not like today which is all wet and windy! I loved you so much my darling mom and miss your safe secure self. Not painfully, just I do miss you. I'd love to phone you, caht to you, ell you all there is to tell. I used to LOVE phoning you each evening to see what was going on.
The biggest part of you dying was always us three going our seperate ways. To an extent that happened very much. Always MY biggest fear as I was the only one who really left home and being the eldest and only gal felt family important. 'Specially having no kids.....N and I are now seeing more of each other than for years as for P well he's just P.....we never did see eye to eye.
So darling BA...just to say...I love ya loads and miss ya stacks....hugs and stuff XXXXXXX
