9:01 a.m. - 24th May 2008
A decision at last
I love three day weekends. May must be the best month for time off work...next bank holiday weekend is not 'till August sadly. Weather forecast says it's going to rain this weekend, but for now it's fine.
Phoned home in the week, bruv and sis in law out and about, spoke to youngest daughter....she was asking why I no longer visit....Errrmm, awkward question, maybe 'cause I aint been invited me thinks! She started giving out about her mom and how she can be a spiteful bitch....her words not mine....The temptation to join in and do a complete character assasination was great....HOWEVER, like a grown up, I resisted and fluffed around the issue. Wobbled on about busy people and stuff like that.
They aint phoned back, so assume that either young one forgot to pass on the message which I begged and pleaded her to....OR I am being ignored somemore, which is likely.
Spoke about it quite a lot with P on Thursday, I actually don't want to bother my arse with them at all anymore, it's like too hard and not nice. She was telling me about falling out with her sister and how much easier it all is within her family to sort it all out. There are lots of them and her mom and dad too, so if anyone in their family falls out, there is often an event b'day, C'mas or wedding or something, if not they organise a family dinner at somebody's house and there is no choice but to get together. But for me there is just my bruv really.
After speaking to young one on the phone I realised that I wasn't even invited to the nephews confirmation...so that I suppose sealed it for me. An opportunity to invite me and it wasn't even offered. I have absolutely no idea what I have done. Not a flipping notion. I tried and tried and tried to phone and got nowhere, I eventually wrote and when bruv phoned a week later he said he wasn't prepared to discuss anything. As far as he was concerned I was disinterested in the family....At the time I was gutted and angry. As time has gone on I am very bemused indeed by that. I have on numerous occasions dropped everything and driven 50 miles north to babysit nephew quie often midweek and for a couple of hours and then driven back. I have never forgotten any of their b'days/Christmas/Easter/births and only one out of the four kids is directly related to me....I took two weeks off work to "babysit" the poorly pregnant one last summer so that they could go to USA/Canada on hols and I also took a week off to have nephew so his mom could go to NY......
They are very wealthy ( not rich, but very wealthy) but are mean as can be. Times I have driven up, I've had to buy my own dinner and never been offered 10p towards petrol....I have never ever ever gone there empty handed, a bottle of wine, a bunch of flowers, a present for nephew....I have taken time off work whenever they have moved, so that I could help them, I have landscaped their gardens and personally bought lots of plants/bulbs/shrubs etc as I have seen them.....I thought I was quite a kind sister/aunt/sis-in-law. One of the other things bruv says is I never invite them here....They came here the weekend before Christmas, for 1.5 hours (2 hours later than they said they would be here) they came completely empty handed (apart from �35 of vouchers for Christmas)....I fed them, they took the rest of the chicken, a granary loaf (so my bruv could have chicken sarnies for lunch the next day) they also took 1/2 a pudding and my dishes!! On top of that they took �400 worth of Chrimbo pressies.....
I can't believe they didn't even bring a bottle of wine. Sis-in-law didn't have chance to buy any too busy (she doesn't work) she said....They have a cellar full of wine!! They passed shops...LOL, My bruv, 'cause of his work must get given three or four bottles a week and at Christmas they get given 100's of bottles! I had a phone call for 2 mins Chrimbo morning to say have a great day...No thankss or the pressies were nice etc.
I tried to say to bruv "What's wrong? Have I pissed you off?" The only thing I was told was that I don't show enough interest in the family....and he wasn't prepared to discuss it further.....At the end of the call, after again being told I was disinterested in the family, I asked if nephew got money and card for Easter as I heard nowt....of course the answer was Yes....Hmmmm clarity came at that point, people often blame others for character traits, that they hate in themselves.....
I tried to talk about my new job, as I am proud of myself for that, ...not even "well done" I tired to mention my garden...no interest. Nothing...Apparently my brother couldn't "chat" as there was football on TV and he had phoned at half time.
I was explaining to P my confusion and the fact I actually don't want them in my life at all, I don't want to feel obliged to phone or try and make contact...It would be easier to say "please don't contact me ever again" rather than to made to feel like some incumbrance, it's far too strained and stubborn for my liking and to be fair, it is now just shy of 8 months since sis-in-law spoke to me (even when she visited she didn't say a direct word to me). P, was so right why bother to tell them? Why? Did I want to hurt them? I honestly don't I just want clarity....Let's not bother our arses with each other.
So that's the decison. I won't phone, send cards/pressies for events.....I won't write and then I won't be stressed by it all......I can still go up to mom's grave and put flowers there, make it tidy etc but don't have to stop by there.
I suppose this entry sounds negative and dysfunctional and to be fair, if I was reading it I'd see it that way too. There is another way of considering it too though. It's me making a decision not to allow myself to be knowingly hurt, which is what I think was occuring. It's me taking full responsibility for waht happens in my life. I somehow at the start of this diary, discovered that I had managed to get myself into a very abusive relationship and stayed with it....I felt a failure on a number of levels-for being in an abusive relationship and not admitting it, for trying so hard to make it work despite it being dysfunctional, I felt a failure too as the devil did nowt for my confidence/self-esteem or my bank balance and certainly my ability to trust. I've spent uncomfortable times with sis-in-law slagging me inadvertantly....maybe? Such things as well of course the ex was such a laugh and so much fun to be with....Errrm Thanks!! When I was with him, they often said fairly horrid things about him!
Other such things as well..... of course you've been round the block a few times, so won't get another bloke. This from a woman who has 4 kids by 3 fathers and has never done a days work in her life! Thanks for your belief and support my dear!
I then went through the "insane stage" with omnipotent one. Fighting so damn hard with myself not to "fall in love" with somebody who would have been so bad for me it wasn't true..... and to be fair that, at times still hurts-it was so many highs and lows it was painful....but so excitng and charged I can't believe how mad it was.
I feel really centred and have some really wonderful friends. Mommy of many is such a great and special person in my life. Northern S and NI S are really wonderful too, I miss seeing NIS, but have wonderful 4 hour phone calls most weeks...L and I have a great time on a day to day basis, we have so many things in common, she is great company and we get out and about to do "conutryside" things lots....I met hunk from MK, being out with L, for which I'll alwys be grateful. She met S through me, for which she is grateful too.
M is a good friend to me too, but in a very different way, she is like a big sis, the sensible big sis and I have known her the longest. I don't do too many "fun things" with M, but the serious stuff. Like looking for new cars!!
D, is warm wonderful and has been the biggest believer in my abilities and skills, she is the one from a work point of view who has pushed and pulled and promoted me a lot organisationally, so that I was lucky enough to be promoted......I love seeing her as she is soooooo kind.
P is hilarious, her stories are the best in the whole wide world. She has had the maddest and most exciting life in the world...We sat for two hours after work last night just chatting and laughing about stuff, then out with L and S, Hunk from MK for dinner....life is good to me and for that I am grateful.
I am glad that P helped me understand what would be best in order for me not to be stressed re the family. I am proud that I am taking responsibilty, I am making the decison, I will live with the consequences....I am at last growing up!! And maybe less Catholic than my upbringing as I don't feel an ounce of guilt!
