10:42 a.m. - 15th March 2009
Get a grip
How hard did we work yesterday? Flipping heck how can such a tiny garden have so much junk? Three trips to the tip in my car and still have a car load of junk to take today (tip closed 2 mins early so we just missed it Grrrr)!!
L's garden looks a million times better than it did, she is now going to have to spend a few bob on soil and plants for all the pots she has, that were full of dead plants!!
We dug, swept, pulled up tons and tons of weeds!! Emptied pots and just generally got rid of sooooo much crap!!
Said I'd go back for a couple of hours this afternoon to get her a few BIG pots for the only three plants that are still surviving, but that are totally pot bound! She has a sports type car so would never fit that sort of stuff in hers...Hmmm!! Wise eh??
My garden looks quite pretty at the moment (even if I say so myself) with the tiny narcissi, blue bells and all sorts of pretty little bulbs waving about in the sun. It was worth planting so many last year as it really looks quite pretty now and less empty....Not quite mature, but that'll come with time!!
The only frustration about yesterday was L's 23 year old boy sitting in watching TV alllllll day! I'd kill him! Not even an offer to carry one sack through to the car, or help to move anything heavy....Still girl power I suppose, but gosh that boy is idle....Still to be fair I really enjoyed the day. I love making things tidy and love the sense of achievement when you start and finish something. I suppose in the job I do you never see an end point, it's just constant slog and no real end. To see a product or thing finished is really rather joyful. NI S often said that's the bit of our job that is chronic is the fact that we don't produce or make something that we feel satisfied with or can show someone.
Family are silent again...Have no idea whatsoever why that is now. Felt I have tried and tired some more but can't force them to be in touch. Although it is odd given how close we once were that things are now so harsh. It's a month now since we last spoke, I have phoned and also e-mailed, but no response. I worry at times that I have done something awful again (like saying I'll see you at Easter), but can't think what it might be.
I vacillate so much between feeling sad and lonely about the situation, to being really angry and wanting to completely cut ties formally with them...(Is that the control bit of me)? Today I feel like the latter.....I feel that if I said never contact me again, don't phone, write, text etc.....At least then, I wouldn't be so hopeful that they might contact me.....I feel that it would be clear what the rules are and then I, wouldn't be so hurt about the fact they don't. I wouldn't leave answer phone messages, that get ignored, or e-mails that never get replies. I just wouldn't bother with anything and it might be a whole lot easier for me.......It's bizarre to think my brother chooses to spend more time with his wife's ex hubby than he does with me. I am clean, tidy, pleasant, welcoming and not a bad hostess (I have been told). The reason we are in this situation is apparently my saying see you in the new year just over 18 months ago....Sis-is-law was offended. I don't understand why other than she chose to be....It wasn't ever meant to be offensive/rude and nobody explained to me that this was the reason.
Maybe it's tough today, as it's a month now since we spoke and it just feels uncomfortable. I'd love them to take a bit of interest in my treatment, my garden, my man.....just if I'm alive would be good. It feels horrid as it's coming up to my mom's birthday and I will certainly head up there then to the cemetery and then head straight back I imagine without seeing anyone.
I know that I am not perfect, I never professed to be anywhere near perfect, but I don't think I'm horrid. I have a wide circle of friends, a nice man, whose friends appear to like me too. I have a well paid job (for now), I always pay my own way in life...ARGH!
Maybe this has started because yesterday when I got home from L's I got my second letter from Flossie.......The first was a couple of weeks ago and was (like my reply to her) just full of news of what she has been up to.......It's been a while since we saw each other as the devil (ex) made her choose between seeing me, or seeing him.....He always was a bit narcistic. Flossie wants to meet up, which would be lovely I always LOVED her to pieces, but it wouldn't be without complications I think.
I don't want to know about her dad, don't really want much to do with her mom........( she often wants to borrow dosh and can be a bit flaky about paying it back)!! But would love to see her, she always was delightful company and full of humour, intelligent and free from problems to be fair.
Maybe I have just spent too much time thinking about stuff and need to get a bloody grip!!
